Happy New Year! After an extended break, I’m really hoping to be far more dedicated to blogging this year. We’ve had quite a lot happen in the past several months, some wonderful and some not so. Wonderful: Wyatt turned one and started walking. Not so: We found out we were pregnant at the end of October and then had another miscarriage in December.
Since Wyatt was born, Kevin & I knew that we wanted to wait until he was a year old and then go through another round of IVF. We met with our fertility doctor (RE, Reproductive Endocrinologist) in October once Wyatt had fully weaned. Everything was setup for us to start the prep for an embryo transfer on my next cycle.
I started feeling off shortly after Wyatt’s birthday party and randomly decided to take a pregnancy test. I like to take pregnancy tests randomly much to the dismay of my husband. The test was both very faintly positive (according to me) and obviously negative (according to Kevin). I decided that just to be certain, I’d go in for a blood test. Once I got my negative result, I would ask about being put on Provera to induce a period (it had been over 40 days and I was ready to get things going). We weren’t trying to get pregnant and naively thought it wouldn’t happen. Well, it did. The blood test was a positive and I was about 3-4 weeks pregnant!
I was immediately terrified, since I knew that this was not the ideal way for us to conceive. I have no issue getting pregnant, obviously, but my issue has always been staying pregnant. My hormone levels continued to rise, indicating a healthy pregnancy. We went in for an ultrasound around 5-6 weeks, but I was measuring about a week behind and we were not able to see a heartbeat yet. Not surprising since I tend to ovulate a week late. Around that time I started having some light bleeding and found out that I had a subchorionic hemorrhage (I also had one with Wyatt). About a week later (6-7 weeks), we were able to hear and see the heartbeat.
Everything continued to progress normally, but I never felt confident. I started getting extremely nauseated and began vomiting around 7 weeks. I was hopeful, trying not to get too excited, but still not confident. The vomiting, nausea, and overall misery continued despite all of my best efforts to ease it. I finally managed to get it under control around 10 weeks (Vomiting 1x a day, instead of 4-5x a day).
At 11 weeks, we went in for our final checkup with our fertility clinic before being discharged to my regular OB and heard those all too familiar words: “I’m not seeing a heartbeat today”. Another miscarriage, another loss, another D&C, another disappointment. Options were discussed, plans were made, and I underwent my D&C on December 19th. Just before Christmas.
Miscarriage makes you realize just how little control we really have. You can take all the right medications, do all the right things, be the right age, but in the end, it may not matter. That reality is both comforting and frustrating at the same time. The only takeaway we’ve been able to find from this experience is that IVF is no longer just an option, it’s a requirement for us. I no longer have any doubts or questions about that. But, I’m still navigating through my grief and definitely don’t have it all together. And I’m okay with that.
As far as next steps, we’re back to a waiting game. I have once again had to throw out my internal calendar and plans for when I want things to happen, and realize (yet again) that it isn’t up to me. God has His own calendar and plans for our lives. Based on experience, I know that once we’re on the other side of this we will see that His plans were far greater than anything we could have dreamt up ourselves.
Unfortunately, this is an experience that is not unique to just me/my family. I share this in an effort to help anyone else going through a similar experience, so that they may not feel as alone. If you know anyone that could benefit from this post, please share!