Disappointments + Delays

Here we are, 7 months later. There has been a lot of life lived in the past 7 months, it’s hard to wrap my head around how much can happen in so little time.

In February, I had a hysteroscopy to remove some retained tissue from my miscarriage/D&C last December. I healed from that very quickly and was able to start meds and have my 2nd frozen embryo transfer on March 18th. We transferred two embryos and both successfully implanted. Kevin & I were over the moon about having twins. 

Sadly, that pregnancy was full of complications. Soon after finding out I was pregnant, I started spotting, which turned into bleeding, then passing fist sized clots. I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma, which I had also had with Wyatt (though not nearly as much bleeding + clotting) and are very common with IVF pregnancies. Both babies were doing okay and both heartbeats were found. A few days after the scariest bleeding episode I’ve ever had, one of the babies was no longer there and the other’s heartbeat was fading. A few days later, that heartbeat was gone too. I had lost both babies. It was much earlier on than with my previous miscarriages, so I was given the option to take a medication (Cytotec) to pass the pregnancy at home. We chose to do that, so we could avoid another D&C (and its risks). 

From April to June, we watched my HCG levels fall at an extremely slow rate. At the end of June, we were finally given the go ahead to start prepping for another transfer. Several days into taking the medication, I started bleeding lightly, went in for a lining check and discovered that I (again) had retained tissue from my miscarriage back in April. At the end of July, I had another hysteroscopy and the tissue was successfully removed. I have now recovered and was set to start meds last Friday, but now have a cyst on one of my ovaries that is causing my estrogen level to be elevated. Another “not yet” in the stream of delays we’ve experienced over the past several months. How many times can one person be told to wait without losing their mind?

My emotions have been all over the place in these past months. Just because I have one child doesn’t mean that I can’t ache for another. And, just because I am aching for another doesn’t mean I don’t wholeheartedly appreciate the one I already have. It’s possible to be devastated and feel extremely blessed all at once. I have to balance being positive and focus on what we’re doing all of this for, while also remaining present and content with where we’re at now. I often remind myself that I once longed for Wyatt just as deeply as I am longing for our next child, so he deserves a mother that is happy and emotionally available. Some days, it’s hard, but most of the time I’m able to appreciate our circumstances. Even in the waiting, there is joy. At times I have to search for it a bit harder, but it’s still there.

I’ve been very focused on getting myself as healthy as I can be before I’m pregnant again. That topic will be its own blog post! Be on the look out for that soon. Wyatt is doing wonderful and will be 2 in October! I don’t even want to talk about that though…#indenial

The plan for the blog is to post every Monday, Wednesday & Friday! I have several posts scheduled, so you will be seeing those very soon. Please leave comments down below & share this with anyone you feel it will help. 

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6 Comments

  1. I can only imagine how hard it is to share what you are going through. I think it is powerful that you are able to share, so others know they are not alone, and others can try to empathize the pain you are feeling.

    We are praying for you and your family.

    1. Thank you so much! That’s my main purpose for sharing, I just want to help anyone going down a similar path! I know it helps me to feel less alone when others share, too, so I’m just paying it forward.

  2. I pray for God to give you both the child you want ! You walk I his light and he gives you both the power you need to get past all this . I love your family so much ! Your heart has room for babies and you are a wonderful Mother!!!!

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