I have been thinking about how I would start this post for a little over a month now. I wanted to be able to deliver some profound message, but I’m not certain I’ll be able to do that. Regardless, I have to get it all out.
About five weeks ago I was pregnant and finally feeling better, so I wrote a blog and shared it publicly. Kevin and I were excited to go to our appointment and hear our baby’s heartbeat, and I was also excited to share my pregnancy stories with my family and friends. I had started showing (slightly) and finally felt pregnant. Little did I know. During our appointment, the nurse started looking for the baby’s heartbeat with the Doppler, but she couldn’t find it. She laughed it off and said it happens all the time when it’s still early, and that the doctor would come in and make her look bad. Our doctor came in and we asked unrelated questions. She let us know that if she couldn’t find the heartbeat with the Doppler, we’d do an ultrasound, and not to worry. She tries a little longer to find it, but doesn’t, so she says to go on over to the ultrasound room. She starts the ultrasound and I can feel her pressing pretty firmly, like she’s looking really hard for something and isn’t finding it. The panic sets in. I started praying to God that everything was okay, that the baby was okay. I prayed over and over again. A few very long moments later and she finally says it: “Michelle, baby doesn’t have a heartbeat”. I didn’t completely grasp what she was telling me at first. Was it going to come back? What does that mean? But then she showed me. How much bigger it had gotten, the arms & legs, and the lack of blood flow. She let us know that it had probably happened about a week ago, hugged me and told us we could take all the time we needed in the room. I’ve heard horror stories of how other doctor’s have relayed this news, and I am so thankful that our doctor was so compassionate. Even in that moment, amidst all of the pain, I was truly touched by her kindness.
One of the horrible parts of having what they call a missed miscarriage is that you then have to decide how you want the actual miscarriage to occur. You are given three options: naturally, with medication or a D&C (dilation & curettage). We asked for a few days to think about it. There is a lot of debate on which is the best option, but ultimately we decided not to wait and scheduled the D&C. The surgery itself was easy, no complications, just a good amount of bleeding and cramping afterwards. At this point, it has been about 5 weeks since the surgery, so for the most part, I have physically healed. Emotionally is another story.
Unless they’ve been through it themselves, most people don’t know how to deal with someone who has lost their child to a miscarriage. It’s a loss, but it’s different than a lot of others, so what do you say? As someone who has gone through this, I just want to share with everyone that there is nothing you can say that’s going to make the pain go away. I have a constant ache in my heart that sometimes feels more faint than others, but it’s always there. Kevin and I won’t get to meet our baby on earth, we won’t get to hold it, or watch it grow up. These are painful things that I am slowly starting to accept. Very slowly. I will never forget this loss, and I wouldn’t want to. With that being said, just because there is nothing you can say to take away the pain doesn’t mean that your words don’t help in some way. For those of you that have called, sent cards, texted, or left Facebook comments – thank you. Your prayers and words mean the world to us and we will never forget your kindness. Even though I may not seem appreciative or present, please know that I am just taking the time I need to mourn this loss and just get through this. Not get over it, but navigate through the hurt, anger, resentment, frustration, and confusion, and come out on the other side. Hopefully, a stronger and more faithful woman.
I think this is enough of a blog today. I have a lot more to say about miscarriages, a topic that I don’t feel women talk about enough, but I’ll save that for another time. I want to open up this discussion and keep talking about it, because this is a real thing that women should support each other through.
So, I have big plans that will allow me to take this circumstance I have experienced and do something with it.
Thanks for reading.
“When you are down to nothing, God is up to something.” Proverbs 16:9